Not Tonight

She knocked on the front door twice
another knock yet still no answer
she shook her head and whispered, “No, not tonight.”
before pushing the door open

A sigh finally escaped her chapped lips
she did not know it was even possible
to hold her breath for that long

Leaning against the wall,
she struggled to take off her heels
“I swear these heels will be the death of me!”
she always needed help to unzip it
but now she wouldn’t, she knew she couldn’t

“I’m home!”, she shouted at the empty house
nobody’s home
but she did it anyway
old habits never died

Her head was throbbing
but taking pills wouldn’t make it go away
the pain would never go away
like ghosts and evil spirits—haunting her even in her sleep

She dragged her wobbly feet to the bedroom
the bed was always made
not a single crumple, not a single dust
no stain at all
as if she never slept on it

She stared at the bed
her eyes brimmed with tears
the bed felt so big right now
even bigger than the hole in her heart

She walked to the bed and lay down on her side
Her eyes fully closed
but she could feel him staring at her
so she opened her eyes and whispered, “No, not tonight.”

“No more dreamless sleeps,
no more sleepless nights,”
before closing her eyes


A conversation with God

It was dark and quiet
the midnight had long passed
I was sure I wasn’t dreaming
because my thoughts were loud,
but the whispers were even louder

Each whisper lulled me deeper to a light trance,
to all of the places I had been,
to where I had been nothing
before life was breathed into me
a body without a soul,
my still heart was just as fragile
as ever

I would have been still nothing
if I wasn’t meant for this world,
for this life
a soul without eyes,
my vision would have been as blurry
as ever

The one that keeps giving
also keeps taking away
a little bit
in exchange for more
if you humble yourself
if you believe

Once, while the world outside was asleep
I lay awake in my bed,
dried tears visible on my cheeks,
wondering if God was sleeping, too

But I was breathing
and I wasn’t blind,
though my breathing ragged
and my eyes clouded with tears

If only I had been humble
If only I had been a believer
I would have known the answer
without having to ask